Feel like my marriage is at a dead end...can somebody offer some words of advice?

My husband has a big issue with taking his stress out on other people. He does it to everyone in his life, especially the ones that annoy him in general. He refuses therapy...either for couples or by himself. Anyways, since I got pregnant, the stress of the baby has caused him to nitpick every detail of everything I do and it's driving me crazy. He knows he's wrong, but wants me to be compassionate to him about his problem and ask him what the bigger issue is. I get so defensive about it and start yelling at him about it, which I know is not the best response. How would you respond to your spouse if they took all their stress out on you? By taking the stress out, I mean criticizing me if I haven't done the laundry, haven't picked up an empty water bottle, forget to feed the cats for a couple hours, or generally do anything wrong. He takes a tone with me and acts like I committed this hugely wrong act. What do I do? I cry almost every day because I get no slack. And he says he feels like he has a chore list a mile long, even though I would do a lot of the things if he left them for two minutes.Feel like my marriage is at a dead end...can somebody offer some words of advice?
Video tape him in action and show it to him later. Or tape record him.


Don't cry over him. Don't let his words hurt you. They are just words. They are not true. You are not stupid. You are not bad. He is trying to make himself feel better by attacking you.





Next time he speaks to you in that tone just leave the room and go for a walk. Tell him you will not listen to his shitty attitude anymore. He can fight with himself you are not going to do it. You choose peace over validating his behavior. Don't defend yourself. There is nothing to defend. You did nothing wrong.





If my husband snaps at me over something small I say ';really? are you yelling at me over the laundry? What is really bothering you? Don't take out your anger on me. Why don't you go for a run or I'll leave for a while if that will make you feel better.';Feel like my marriage is at a dead end...can somebody offer some words of advice?
Marriage is about both of you, he should respect your feelings as well as you should respect his, but it sounds like he is not being respectful of your feelings. The man needs a wake up call. I would get a recorder and record his nitpicking at you, and then play it back to him to show him how hurtfull he is to you.
...and you choose to make him the father of your precious little baby??





Ask him to get help for this by ____ 2009 if he ignores you. Move back home with relatives. The child should be in a happy home.
Ok, for one I understand he is stressed....BUT does he have any compassion that stress is horrible for you and the baby? I have seen horrid situations where a mother has miscarried because she is so stressed. He needs to back off, chill, and rethink his priorities. In the meantime, I highly recommend a counselor. It would beneficial for you both, but I do think he needs to also have some individual counseling as well. This whole situation is very unhealthy. You need to be as non-stressed as possible, you carry a precious life. What you feel, the baby feels. I hope everything works out for you and your baby!
Wow I would have loved to have put up with my man being stressed - I would have loved to have shared his problems and try to help him. How lucky you are in my eyes that he comes home each day. I so wanted my man just to be there!





It's wierd isn't it. Because your problem would have been welcomed by me.


Would you rather you were like me who cannot get the man to love her enough so that he will stay with her.





My man soon didn't want me. He got tired so quickly %26amp; then just didn't bother to answer my texts/calls.





I admit I wouldn't do everything for him. But at least you have your man. I don't %26amp; I miss him so much. If he would say to me, the same as yours says to you - would be music in my ears because I can't even hear his voice. I would have so loved to have listened to him no matter what he wanted to say.





I loved him. You don't love yrs like I loved mine that's the problem
I hate to sound like a broken record but... how's the sex?


If that's not happening everything else that is not happening suddenly becomes a lot bigger deal.





Understand that when you tell him no to sex, it hurts him. The more he cares about you the more it hurts him; heart-ache level hurts him.


But he's a man and isn't suppose to be emotional and isn't going to cry because his wife is cold to him so the pain is turned into resentment and anger.


He wanders off to do his own thing and broods, and broods, and broods until the laundry isn't done and he vents. Those things are unlikely to be the primary reason he is upset, they are triggering releases of much deeper pain and anger.





Happy guys don't get pissed when the dishes aren't washed.


We wash them.


Emotionally scarred men break things.





You need to learn to talk to each other about what is really wrong without getting mad, without judging, and with out criticizing each others feelings. Don't call him a baby etc.. he'll just shut out his emotions again and go back to being pissed all the time. You both won't change without some false starts. Keep at it.


Don't demand, explain yourself to each other and if you love each other you will change for each other.





PS Ignore the people who say he won't change. He will change almost over-night if you resolve the underlying issue.








If it really is the chores, make 3 chore-charts.


You both make a combined list of all the crap that needs to be done then you both have your own list.





You each rank the chores by how much you want it done and also by how happy if would make you if your spouse did it instead. Work together to divvy up the chores and if you have free time while working on them, do the ones that make your spouse the happiest.


If you really want something to be done and want it done 'right' you put it on your list and put a 0 on it for him doing it.
Hello,





First of all, I am sorry that you feel this way. It sounds like a really stressful way to live and you do not deserve that at all.





Does your husband know that you cry every day over this? That is not a good sign.





It seems to me like you have to play nursemaid to your husband and his ';problem';. Everyone suffers stress, it doesn't mean they can take it out on everyone else around them. That isn't fair.





I understand that you shut down, you obviously need to protect yourself from his outbursts.





Plus if he is says he feels he has a chore list to do that is a mile long, it seems he wants your pity as well.





I am extremely concerned with your baby also, the stress that you are feeling will be transferred to your baby. Stress can bring on pre-eclampsia which is serious.





However, I do not think your marriage is an end. It is going through a rough patch for sure.





First of all, you cannot change his behaviour. But you can change yours.





Do not yell at him. (Easier said than done but give it a try.) When he starts nitpicking, do not worry, just say - ok you can do that, pregnancy sure takes it out of me. Let him do that. Stay calm though, because of your baby. If he wants to be the hero and do everything, fine, that is up to him.





When he complains about his mile long list, tell him ok, you will take two things and do them right now. I bet he will find it hard to give you two things to do - because I think much of this is in his head. I think he has got into a routine of taking things out on you.





This way you have an answer for each thing. If he nitpicks, let him get on with it. You can be sweet about it ';Gee, thanks honey, I am so glad you can help me while I am pregnant'; works well.





If he complains about his list, then offer to do two things.





If you cannot deal with his nitpicking, and you really feel like you are going to yell at him, then put your coat on and go out for a walk. Just get out of the situation.





I thought of this information after having a read at the source below.
First of congrats on the baby. You need to sit down with him and talk. When he is in the best mood. If you are pregnant you really need to let him know that this is not good on the baby. If he does not listen to you alone. Bring a friend in that's what friends are for. Talk to your friend about what is going on. They will most likely be more then happy to come and talk to him with you if you have a married friend, (husband, wife that you are friends with that would probably be better). If worst comes to it. Tell him that you cant take it any more. Go stay with a family member or a friend for a week or two but don't tell him where you are going (you don't want him to contact you in the time you are away) Come back after a week or two. After you have been gone for a while and they have to do things for themselves for awhile then they realize how much you mean to him and you should be able to work things out. Best of luck
Prepare to leave as soon as you can, preferably after the baby is born. Call a lawyer now.


Your husband is a narcissist, self-absorbed. He will never change.





Congratulations on your baby. You'll need help from friends the first few weeks. Now is not the time for additional stress on YOU. Good luck to you.
My husband was having episodes of rage directed at me.I told him it was, effectively, abuse. It's his responsibility to make it stop. He's seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, exercising, and taking responsibility for this himself.





If your husband won't even see a therapist he's taking no responsibilty for his actions. He wants your sympathy when he's abusing you. You never have room to be stressed out, because he always is.





I think you have to force him into action to get better or leave.
You tell that no good husband of yours that you're not putting up with crap from a guy who can't be bothered to even help himself. Don't have sympathy for someone who isn't willing to do anything about their predicament in life. Then if he does try to crap all over you again kick him into another room to sleep in for a few days and repeat as necessary.





I cannot believe you let this guy impregnate you with a horrible attitude to life like he has.