I need some words of advice, or comfort, or something.?

My husband and I have been having a tough time lately. Normally things would be okay, but here's the situation.





Back in January, my husband and I had a discussion. I told him that, at 22, I wasn't ready to be finished having kids. He had a scheduled vasectomy for 2 days later. I explained to him that I wanted some time to be ready before it actually happen. I wanted to prepare myself for the finality of it before it was actually final. He turned around and said he didn't care what I had to say, or what I thought or felt, he wanted to do it, and he was doing it. And, he went ahead and did it.





I packed up my things and out kids' things that same morning and I went to stay with my mom for a few days. I found it hard to be away from him, but since I've come home, I'm finding it harder to stay with him.





I cannot get over the hurt and betrayal I feel from him, and he refuses to apologize for hurting me.





I grew up with divorced parents and I never wanted that for my kids. I wanted my kids to grow up in a two-parent household with a mom and dad who are close and love each other.





I'm torn over what to do. My desire for a third child is very strong. My hurt and betrayal is also strong. Because of this, I want to leave my husband and raise my kids myself and be happy. But then I begin to wonder if doing so would be the right thing. How would it affect my kids? Would I regret it later on? That kind of thing.





I'm so very torn. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy, but I feel as if I can't be if I stay with him, but I don't want to risk disturbing my childrens' lives and not giving them the best and what they deserve.





Would it be selfish of me to leave him over this? What should I do? Any advice?I need some words of advice, or comfort, or something.?
i think what your husband has done was very selfish and without consulting you as well. I understand the hurt and betrayal you feel and the confusion going on in your head but maybe he couldn't cope with another child and felt like you were being one sided by wanting another too. I think if you and your husband love each other then things will work out sweetie give it time. if in time you cant repair the damage for both of you then it is time to walk away because you will create an atmosphere of misery and that will certainly rub off on your children. i always say it is better to sit with nothing and be happy or have everything and be miserable.I need some words of advice, or comfort, or something.?
Oh my goodness; this is such a tough question... My advice would be to seek marital counseling as soon as possible. If he refuses to go with you, then go on your own. I recommend finding a counselor through a local church. I hope ad pray everything works out.
The worst thing you can do, is stay together for the kids sake...with a man, that you really don't love anymore!! Your children should never have to grow up in a household, that isn't loving!!


xoxo agoodgirl_msj
grow up lifes not all about you.
First of all, I would love to hear his side of the story. There has to be more to this...all I see in your post is about you you you.....do you work outside the home? maybe your husband is concerned about the cost of raising a family....maybe he is concerned about the stability of his job and what would happen if he couldnt work....men think alot about things we dont....there has to be a reason that he wanted to have the vasectomy so badly. Maybe he was worried about your health carrying another baby. I look at it this way, I have been married for 33 years, I have 6 kids.....I was married to him first, we are a team, if he wanted the vasectomy that badly, then I personally wouldnt have a problem with it. I understand that you want more children, but obviously he doesnt, maybe in the future if he changes his mind, you could adopt....yes you are young, but to get a divorce over this, and to get as mad as you did to go to your mothers....something else is wrong in the marriage, and maybe he was smart to get a vasectomy and not bring another child into it....if you cant talk about this, there are going to be many many more harder issues to get thru in your married life.....
This is a very sad situation, but not impossible to recover from. Having children is a joint decision. Going through surgery is so final; he may be overwhelmed by both the emotional and financial strain involved. When a man's wife has children, that usually means even less attention toward her husband; he becomes likened to a sperm donor. I don't agree with what your husband did and how he went about it, but it is understandable. It would be a bit selfish to leave him over this. It seems like you're more or less married to the concept of having another child as well as your existing children.
The best gift you can EVER give your children is a happy mom. If you leave him and you're miserable, your children are going to suffer. If you leave him and are able to manage everything on your own, and possibly find another man to share your family with, your children will be happy. Your kids are a reflection of you, so therefore you MUST do what u have to do, and can do, to have the fulfilling life you would want your children to have. If you put their needs before your own, they will suffer for it. I dont suggest leaving your husband. You can still be very happy with him and your 2 children and have a great life. Yes, what he did was selfish! but if u plan to stay, you have to forgive him. And stay because YOU want to, not because u ';think'; it would be best for your kids.
Grow up! Zoe and Isaiah will suffer by your choices. You need to put them first. Moving out was a very selfish act on your part.





Making babies is not everything you know. But taking care of the ones you have is a priority. How could making another baby solve your problems? It will only make the problems worse.





Most men seek a vasectomy for financial reasons. It is likely that he did so. If that is the case then having a baby is the worst thing you can do.





He could have had the vasectomy and never told you. I work in a clinic. I do not doubt that men get vasectomies without their wife knowing all the time. Federal law says they do not need their spouses consent.
For a man to have a vas without having a proper discussion with his partner reflects very poorly on his relationship %26amp; respect for her - it shows he doesn't respect her opinion. It makes me wonder if he doesn't have someone else he's messing with - or else, why would he be in such a hurry to make sure he can't get her pregnant again, when there are so many other options for temporary/semi-permanent birth control? A vas is such a huge decision for a guy to make without respecting his wife's opinion. The decision to definitely not have any more children is a huge decision - couples do that together, not apart. This husband made that decision alone, without his wife.





As for leaving the marriage... only you can decide. Clearly there are serious issues in this marriage, the most fundamental thing lacking is respect, and without that, what is a marriage built on? Trust would be another huge issue because he had the procedure ';behind your back';. Without you being at the consultation, without you being ok with it. Yes, it's his body, but it's a choice that influences you both.





I would say that your marriage needs a neutral third party to help you overcome these issues so you can get to a healthier place.
Well maybe you should sit down and just have a one on one talk. Find out his side and why he doesn't want another kid. I don't think it was right of him to just go and have that done a couple days later. I also don't think that it is good for kids to grow up with divorced parents. It just makes things hard for the kids. So try and make things work. Ask him about adopting a child. Maybe he doesn't want to go though nine months of waiting and the long nights. Just ask but don't try to start a fight out of it. Ask how his day was and just try to work you way into asking him. I feel you and him both need to come to an agreement.


Hope it helps.
That was so wrong for him to do that with out discussing it with you seeing you are only 22 yrs old.You don't say how old your husband is,but if he is around the same age I can't see why the doctor perfomed this surgery on such a young man.Why did'nt you speak to his doctor and let him know you were against this.You needed to talk with someone about this before he finalized it.I would also feel betrayed if my husband had done this to me.This concerned both of you and it was both of you that should of made the decision together.I can feel your pain,and I hope he absolutly adores the children you have and does'nt hold it against them for having them.
Sorry for your heartache. That was a very spiteful act on his part. It sounds like there are more relationship issues at work here than just wanting a baby/ having a vasectomy. I suggest counseling. I had a vasectomy 10 months ago and it went horribly wrong for me (destroyed my sex life at 38). Should you two choose to stay together and have another child it is still possible through sperm aspiration (they retrieve the sperm with a needle) so don't worry about that right now just figure out what you want to do about your marriage first.





I hope it works out for you
i have to be blunt - when reading your question all i could see was I I I, it was all about what you wanted, what about what he wanted. Don't get me wrong i don't think vasectomy's are right as there is condoms but you should have discussed it with him long before the decision was made for the vasectomy? I think you would be making a mistake to leave him for that, its not as though you don't have children. if you feel that you want to leave him, could you manage on your own and what if he met someone else and got the vasectomy reversed and had children with someone else. Stop thinking about yourself, think about your marriage., Good luck.
There is nothing more cruel than making a baby that both his or her parents do not want. You put YOUR selfish want for another baby before your husband, your other two children, and your future child. Now it looks like you will be raising the two on your own. A better woman will gladly take your husband off your hands. So you can say goodbye to the love of your life. Wake up! He did the right thing.





Edit: Once you put some thought into it you will see that I am right. I have used this answer before. I received some hate male over it. But those people usually apologize once they have had time to think it over.





Good luck
Your last sentence says it all. The words ';to leave him'; are very strong words. If you follow through, this means he will not only possibly lose custody of his kids to you but he will also get a big whopping bill called child support. The fact that he came from a divorced family has made him wise as to what could happen in the future. He only prepared himself. Had he postponed it ';until you are ready'; when would this have been? Maybe another baby or two into the future? Yes it would be very selfish of you to put your kids through a divorce for the reasons you list. These are not good grounds for divorce. Be happy with the kids you do have. There are many women out there that can't have kids at all and would love to just have one.
I think you should talk to him about how you feel. About how you've had thoughts of leaving him. See if this changes his feelings and actually starts to care. If he doesn't, then there is no point in staying with him and maybe you can find somebody who does. You deserve better! Explain to your kids when they are older that you felt it was best if you and your husband split. You aren't alone! At least your parents are there for you. Good luck and God bless!
What your husband did was selfish and wrong. You are his wife and you should have been involved in his choice to have a vasectomy.





People like your husband make me angry. I can never get pregnant because of medical reasons. I had surgery when I was a teenager (because of possible cancer). One of the effects of the surgery is that I cannot ever get pregnant. It makes me sad when people take their fertility for granted. I'm 25 years old and I hope to get married and adopt children in the future. I believe that no child is an accident.





I can understand that you want to remain married. My parents have been faithfully married for almost 35 years. Marriage does offer security and stability for a relationship and family. It gave me a lot of peace as a child knowing my parents are married.





Hopefully your husband can grow up, become more mature, and act like a man. I do know it's possible for a vasectomy to be reversed in some cases. The trust and respect in your marriage has been damaged more than anything. I don't know if you're a religious person but try watching EWTN. There are many good programs on EWTN about marriage and family. Good Luck!